Meredith's Journey

Becoming Boob-a-licious: A Year in Review

2010-07-06T23:49:00.165-05:00

Exactly one year ago today my alarm clock went off in my apartment, I got ready, and headed to work. It started just like any other day, until...

Well, to really tell the story we need to back up a couple of weeks to June 23, 2009. Do any of you know the significance of that date? It was epic... my 35th birthday. How did I handle it? I was freaking out!!! No, really... I'm serious... I was FREAKING OUT!!!! So, Mr. Wonderful has not showed up and I'm 35 and single... oh well. I've never been anything but single, so I suppose I can manage. While there was a small pity party I threw for myself, that wasn't the trigger for my tantrum.

You see, it all goes back to nursing school. I remember sitting in class and the Obstetrics professor repeatedly telling us about the increased risk of birth defects, Down's Syndrome, and infertility that warranted the label of "high risk pregnancy" to women of the advanced maternal age of... you guessed it... 35! Those of you who know me well know that I LOVE working with kids and have always wanted to be a mom. So, my nursing-trained brain could not let go of the mental image of my uterus being stamped with "Expires on June 23, 2009"! That, my friends was the source of my potential break down. I was, in fact, so concerned that I really might fall apart that I took an entire week of vacation time from my job in order to spare a display of weeping at the sight of small children in our waiting room at work. I didn't actually go anywhere during that week off. I just tried to relax, do some shopping, and take care of some things on my to do list like going to the dentist, the doctor, and getting a routine mammogram.

When the day of my actual birthday came, my mom was in town for support (being the Superstar mom that she is) and we "celebrated" with a dinner at a Mexican restaurant with family and friends. It was more of an "UnBirthday" party since I gave very strict instructions: no cake, no singing, no cards, no presents, no balloons, and no mention of the word Birthday. Now, I realize this might sound extreme, but it was for the protection of all of those involved... in my fragile state I didn't want an innocent attendee to hand me a singing card and subsequently watch me potentially spiral downward into the "ugly cry." So, I protected all of us from the "my uterus is expiring today and I'm freaked out about it" melt down by setting rigid boundaries. And we all survived the week of my birthday.

Then it was July 4th and life was back to "normal." I celebrated the holiday with my best friend Alyson and her family. We all watched the fireworks from the top level of a parking garage in The Woodlands. I remember taking a couple of really cute pictures with her two girls Katie and Gracie... the photos were great to have because both girls were smiling and actually looking at the camera at the same time... that's quite an accomplishment with a then 3 and 4 year old.

So, after surviving a monumental birthday week, and after celebrating a national holiday... it was Monday July 6, 2009 and time to start another work week and get back into the swing of my routine. And that brings us back to my apartment with the alarm clock, the typical morning routine, and the start of just another day at the office... until my lunch break. That's when I checked my phone for facebook updates and noticed I had a voicemail. It was someone from TOPS Comprehensive Breast Center informing me that my mammogram results were abnormal and I needed to contact them immediately to schedule a second look. I tried to think positive and be brave. I called mom that night to tell her and we both held the opinion of "It will be fine... lots of women have to do a repeat mammogram, and it turns out to be nothing." But it turns out it was the start of the biggest, scariest, most awe-inspiring year of my life. Exactly a year ago today I drove to work with my original boobs still attached, and my thick, long blond (with the help of highlights) hair that was so hot and sweaty in the Houston humidity of summer. I started the day oblivious to the storm of cancer that would enter my life and test the limits of my body, my strength, and my faith.

The day after that voicemail came another mammogram and ultrasound... then a few days later multiple biopsies. And on July 14, 2009 the phone call from the doctor that took me to my knees... my diagnosis.

And so the whirlwind began. Multiple doctor's appointments followed in the next few days. Then one week after my diagnosis was the break-in at my apartment (see the postings from 8/09 for more details), and my subsequent move into the home of my best friend Alyson Pope Miller.

Then July 23, 2009 exactly one month after my birthday, I found myself sitting in the office of a fertility specialist talking about freezing my eggs! Next came my bye-bye boobies surgery on August 17th. I recovered for a few weeks, and we all prayed for my period. That started the hormone injections in September, which was a wild ride... my estrogen level went from 35 to over 5,000 in less than 10 days!!! Then on September 23, 2009 Dr. Timothy Hickman (the fertility specialist) retrieved and successfully froze 17 of my eggs which will forever be the young and healthy age of 35 even if I don't carry them until my 40's. (FYI- chemo causes premature ovarian failure, aka "chemopause", or chemo-induced menopause. I may never ovulate on my own again, but the doctor's can give me hormone injections one day that will prepare my uterus and allow me to carry a pregnancy using IVF with my thawed eggs.)

Next came October starting with Race for the Cure and a huge showing of support from my church Bible Study Class "Wellspring" complete with custom-made "Team Mer Mer" T-shirts. My parents, my brother Nathan and his wife Kristen and their 2 kids Ellery and Price also participated. Alyson was there with her 2 girls and a wagon they decorated in pink ribbon. It was a great day and felt very symbolic of the love and support around me, and also of the long path ahead.

A couple of days later my port was placed, and I started chemo October 8, 2009. I had continued to work as much as possible unless I was at doctor's appointments or other treatment, with a 3 week break in August to recover from major surgery. The original plan was to work on my "good days" and take off for the days I felt sick from chemo. I managed to continue to function at the office through the first chemo cycle... then things changed. It became clear that the toll from chemo was, at least temporarily too much for me, and I took a 7 week leave from work and then returned part-time in mid December. My boss and co-workers were phenomenal in supporting me! I finished chemo on February 26, 2010 and a few weeks later started on Tamoxifen which is a pill I will take for 5 years to prevent a recurrence. I slowly returned to work full time and started to build up my strength.

Reconstructive surgery followed on May 3rd... and let me just tell you silicone is an amazing invention. For months I had carried the tissue expanders in my chest, which did their job of stretching my muscle and skin as expected... but those suckers were rock hard! I'm not kidding... they did not move a millimeter... I'm almost convinced they could be used as self defense weapons. I couldn't sleep on my stomach or side for months with those bricks. Then after they were removed and the implants took their place I slept like a baby... and for 2 weeks post-op I couldn't get the word "boob-a-licious" out of my head.

The last couple of weeks have been a very reflective time for me. A little over a week ago it was June 23rd again... I had so dreaded the big 35 and suddenly it was time to say goodbye to it. This time all things Birthday were embraced: the balloons, a cake, candles, singing, cards, gifts, and most importantly friends and family to celebrate with me. Then 2 days later on June 25th was another year anniversary... one year since my mammogram that set this journey in motion. The timing fell so that this June 25th was my 3 month follow up with the Oncologist... the blood work results were good... my tumor markers are clear and I AM IN REMISSION!!! Praise God for being my Healer. After the appointment with the oncologist, this monumental week was marked by an amazing, joyful, miraculous gift that comes only from God who holds every desire of my heart. Mom and I went to the home of Chris and Ivonne Pena and I held in my arms their precious twins who are the first babies in Texas history to be born from once frozen eggs. (Ivonne was in the ABC news story with me.) The twins are perfect with all of their fingers and toes... and they are warm and snuggly at room temperature now. They are living proof of the promise that one day I will be a mom.

People, I pray that the love and incredible grace of God is evident to you in what you just read! Before the word cancer was even on the radar, I was heartbroken about turning 35 and fearful that my chance at mommy-hood was slipping away... and now through this amazing, and at times terrifying journey I am certain that I will be posting baby photos for you in the future. I am also waiting with confident expectation for the day when I post the blog entry titled "Mr. Wonderful." I don't know if I have already met him, but I know he exists... and that he will be an amazingly patient man who loves God and thinks I'm beautiful. What an awesome day of celebration it will be when Mer Mer finally walks down that isle in a white dress... I expect you all to be there with tissues in hand for the tears of joy and ready to celebrate!

Wig On, Wig Off

2010-03-28T16:44:00.001-05:00

When you transition from being someone with cancer to a cancer survivor, you survey your life and think about doing some things differently. I want to live this next phase of my life with less fear. I want to be more adventurous. So, in that spirit... here is a little game I think of as "Wig On, Wig Off."

I can hear what you're thinking... Oh no she didn't!....Oh yes I did.

It's ok for you to think that. I remember when I first got diagnosed and started web surfing for wigs and scarves... I stumbled across some photos of women completely bald and thought to myself "I would never do that! The world doesn't need to see that! Bald is not beautiful... it's just bald!" It's amazing how much can change in just a few months.

So why did I decide to do this now? We'll get to that. First let me tell the story of letting go of my hair, since it's been one of the more frequently asked questions. As women, we link a lot of our identity and beauty to our hair. I have to say that my hair, at least in my teen and college years, was my "signature." I had a love-hate relationship with my hair at times, but also appreciated a few very memorable rockin' hair days. So, after the word cancer officially became a part of my life, one of the first things I did was go wig shopping. Mom and Alyson went with me a few days before my surgery to Gayla Wigs in The Woodlands... if you know anyone in the market for a wig, she's the lady to talk to! We were all surprised when she measured my head and told me that due to the size of my big head, there were only about 4 wigs that would fit me out of her entire inventory. Luckily one of them was the one I had spotted in the showroom and really liked. At the time I still had my own thick hair, which we clipped down and put one of those stocking caps over, but it only added to the bulkiness of my large cranium, so when we tried on the wigs they didn't really fit. I realized that I wouldn't be able to wear my wig until I was bald... in other words there would be no test drive, I would only have the option of debuting the new me on game day.

Then I talked to the oncology nurse. With my particular kind of chemo, they told me from the start my hair would fall out around day 14. So chemo started Oct 8th and I did the math. There are some kinds of chemo that are less prone to alopecia (hair loss), but with the adriamycin,it was close to a sure thing. I also started to feel some changes in the texture of my hair that wouldn't be noticeable to anyone else, but my hair had become my friend over the years and had the courtesy to give me some notice that it would be moving out. Then it started to happen... after being at the oncologist's office, Alyson and I stopped to get lunch... I stepped outside to check my phone and the wind blew my hair, which is not an unusual event, except this time it HURT. My scalp had become extremely sensitive and any movement of my hair was uncomfortable. The next morning I wanted to wash my hair, but realized I couldn't because when I barely ran my hand through my hair, it came out in a big chunk (see photo.) I immediately knew I would have to just have dirty hair for the remaining time it lived on my head... can you imagine shampooing and having tons of long hair totally clog the shower drain and fall all over the bathroom floor.... yuck!

Every woman is different in how they want to handle the hair loss issue, and it's important to let them do it their way. For me, I realized that I didn't have a choice IF my hair was going to fall out, but I could decide WHEN and HOW it happened. So I made an appointment at the hair dresser- Alyson came with me for support and I got the GI Jane buzz cut for the first time in my life (don't have a photo of it.) And yes, I cried the first time I looked in the mirror. My scalp continued to be really sensitive and it hurt to wear my wig at first, so I stepped out on the back porch and rubbed my head with my hands... and the hair fell off. Then I was bald. For the next few weeks when I would walk into the bathroom and catch a glance of myself in the mirror, I startled myself several times. It takes time to adjust. Then it got to the point that the person I recognized most in the mirror was the bald one or the one in the cotton cap.

Alyson, Wayne, Katie, and Gracie were all very supportive of me and my big bald head. Humans lose alot of heat through our head, so my cotton night caps were crucial during the cold winter nights. Alyson had ordered pink caps for the girls to match mine, and we had matching pj's, so of course we had a slumber party one night to make it fun for them. The girls had a great time trying on my wig... this photo is of Gracie. Then one day when Katie came home from school the girls wanted to paint, and an idea struck me... how often to you get to paint someone's bald head? That would be a fun first for them... so they put their hand prints on my head... Katie's is the orange one and Gracie's is red.

When I started wearing my wig I got tons of compliments on it... I still do. The highlights in it are awesome. And the best feature is that synthetic hair does not frizz in Houston humidity. It's also cut way down on my get ready time in the morning to be able to throw on the wig and not have to deal with shampoo, conditioner, blow-drying, and flat iron. A couple of weeks ago I was in 5 o'clock traffic on Beltway 8 while on the phone with my mom. The cars were barely moving, and in the lane next to me was a truck full of guys that I'm guessing were in the landscaping business based on their trailer. They kept looking at me and whistiling, etc...which was encouraging to hear in in a way, then I said to mom "hey, do you think I should rip the wig off and see if they keep whistiling?" I refrained from doing it, but it would have been funny.

The wig in alot of ways is better than my natural hair. People constantly told me during chemo how great I looked, which is a compliment I always appreciate. However, there was a part of me from time to time that felt like an impostor. There were a few moments when I wanted to rip the wig off and show the world what was really going on with my body, but of course I was too embarrassed to ever follow through with that impulse, and I didn't want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable.

When you think about it, don't we all play the "Wig On, Wig Off" game? Do you find yourself putting on some form of "disguise" for the world? It may not be a wig, instead it may be a brave or happy face, or the facade that you have things under control and in order. Maybe sometimes you get tired too of the illusion and have the urge to show the world what's really going on in your life.

This brings me to answering the question of why show my bald head now. After all, these pictures I've posted are a couple months old and my hair is now starting to grow back. The reason I'm doing this is because I want to embrace this "do-over" chance I have in my life with bold honesty. We are all, at least at times, broken, hurting, and scared people. None of us really have it all together, at least not for very long. And that's ok because God is in the business of broken people. Even on the days we skillfully cover our flaws, He still knows exactly what scars, bald spots, and insecurities we bear. And sometimes He allows us to encourage and bless others by enduring suffering in order to inspire hope, to say to someone that we've been down a path they're about to face and can provide some insight. Because the main message that we want to hear is that we are not alone.

So, there you have it America. Mer Mer's bald head. With a wig, some make-up, and a pair of upgrades on my chest, I'm kinda cute. (And yes, I do know that inner beauty is more important than the outside appearance.) I am sooooo far from having it all figured out. And some days I'm just a big hot mess, with or without a wig. I hope that my admission and vulnerability in this blog sends the message to you that you are not alone. God has been ever-present with me through every breath of this crazy journey, and I'm so grateful that He is the constant that never changes, regardless of my many changing hairstyles in life.

Tomorrow

2010-02-25T22:45:00.005-06:00

Tomorrow is a word that can hold so many emotions, expectations, possibilities, and defining moments. Remember some of the fun ones with me: Tomorrow I graduate from high school... Tomorrow I start my new job... Tomorrow I leave on vacation... Tomorrow is our first date...Tomorrow I move into my first house...Tomorrow is Race for the Cure. Tomorrows can also instill less pleasant emotions: Tomorrow is the big deadline at work... Tomorrow is the licensing exam... Tomorrow taxes are due... Tomorrow we get the test results from the doctor.

Over the last 9 months I have had some noteworthy Tomorrows: Tomorrow I turn 35...Tomorrow I get my mammogram... Tomorrow I'll tell them that I have cancer... Tomorrow is the surgery... Tomorrow they extract my eggs... Tomorrow I start chemo. The word tomorrow, at least for me, is one that is pondered most at night. It might be thought of some during the day, but the majority of the anticipation for tomorrow happens once I'm in my pj's and working towards going to sleep. That's when the excitement, or butterflies, or stress, or worry is at it's purest. My thoughts of tomorrow are often based on what I know, or at least think I know and what I need to do to "be prepared" for tomorrow to the best of my ability. I believe God has a plan for each of my tomorrows, so my prayers are for strength and comfort in the situation; and that God will guide me, teach me, uphold me, and use me to serve others in the midst of whatever tomorrow holds.

So, now I'm in my pj's sitting on my bed thinking about another milestone: Tomorrow, Friday Feb 26th, I finish my chemo. Tomorrow my perspective shifts from bracing myself for the biggest test my body has ever faced to instead throwing my arms up and saying "I made it!" There are still some steps ahead including more reconstructive surgery, 5 years on Tamoxifen (an oral medication), and follow up appointments to monitor for recurrence. While tomorrow isn't the "end", it will be a day that I stand in awe of God's provision for my every need and how far he has carried me.

One of the lessons that has been reinforced for me along this journey is that no matter how huge, intimidating, life-altering, or frightening my tomorrows may be, God is ever-present to hear my prayers, comfort and calm my anxiety, and assure me that He has a plan for my life. Since June my pj's and I have contemplated some major "tomorrows", and there have been many nights that my pillowcase was drenched with tears. It has been hard. It has been overwhelming. Most importantly, it has been a beautiful lesson in faith that I will be thankful for every day for the rest of my life. Hebrews 11:1 says, "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Every tomorrow has been an opportunity for me to choose faith, to believe God is good even when my circumstances include suffering, to trust in my heart that His plan and timing are best for me, and to be certain that the coming tomorrows will hold all the things I have hoped for.

Are We There Yet?

2010-02-22T23:14:00.003-06:00

We've all been there... the ridiculously long road trip, the one that feels like it will never end. You try to be a good sport about it... you pass the time reading, napping, maybe even singing silly travel songs, but eventually after miles and miles the question that continues to dominate your thoughts can no longer be ignored: ARE WE THERE YET?!

There is a countdown happening this week... countdown until Friday, Feb 26th which is the date of my final chemo! It's the finish line and it's within reach. I want to be excited about it... I am absolutely grateful for it. However, if I'm being completely honest with you in this moment, I just feel like a whiney kid on a long road trip. My body is tired from this journey. And I got my booster shot today to help keep my counts up, so currently I'm aching from my teeth down to my toes. I want to be positive and keep things in perspective, it's just hard to write when all I want to say is "I don't feel good."

There is a bible verse that I was taught at a young age, it says "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (Galations 5:22-23) Patience is not a strength of mine. God has been trying for years to give me lessons in patience, and I try for a while to learn, but then get frustrated and impatient. At the beginning of my diagnosis, I thought that this whole cancer thing would be a great opportunity for God to work on helping me to grow and finally change. And yet, here I sit months later with one recurring question: ARE WE THERE YET?!

Please don't misunderstand me... I have learned many things in this process, and my life in many ways has been enriched by it. I think the reality is that the trait of patience will always be "under construction" when it comes to me. And that's okay. Because one of the things I did manage to learn is that God uses us in spite of our weaknesses. He is able to take us as broken people and mold beautiful stories in our lives. I'm just so grateful that He is incredibly patient with me.

The Return of Meredith

2010-01-23T23:19:00.009-06:00

Before you get started... I know... it's been a couple of months since I've updated my blog and you've been anxiously awaiting to hear how I'm doing. Some of you have even passed messages through my mother to tell me to get back to blogging pronto! I've wanted to write, but haven't had a brain that would let me until now.

What took me so long? Chemo... it's powerful... the best way I can sum it up is to quote what my best friend Alyson has told people when they have asked her, "she looks like Mer, and she talks like Mer, but she's not really."

I haven't felt like myself for several weeks. It's not like in the movies... I haven't been vomiting at all (thanks to the anti-nausea meds)... on my worst days I'm just in a deep fog, with no energy, laying in bed all day. The best analogy I can give you is Houston weather... there are lots of days with sunshine, and those clear weather days represent getting to feel, act, and think like the person you and everyone else knows you to be. Everyone's experience with chemo is very different. For me, it's been like a huge storm front with the potential for hurricanes rolling into my life...many days have been at best overcast and dreary as far as the way my mind and body felt... and there have been days here and there with major storm activity... but also days where things seemed to settle down for a bit.

I wish I could articulate it better. I don't want anyone to get too worried... I'm doing well overall and experiencing the side effects that the doctor prepared me for. And I have continued to fully trust God's plan and provision for me... I know I'm going to be okay.

I started chemo on October 8th. I'm on a very common "dose-dense" chemo regimen. For the months of October and November I received Adriamycin and Cytoxan every 2 weeks. Adriamycin in the world of oncology has earned the nickname "The Red Devil" because it looks like red kool-aid (and makes your urine red), and tends to have some of the most bothersome side effects, including hair loss. I started out strong and healthy, so round one was better than I thought, then round 2 was more intense... then round 3 more intense... then round 4 was a doozy and kept me in bed for over a week. It's intentional that they order the strongest rounds of chemo in the beginning... and luckily 4 rounds was all they had planned for me. Then in December we changed to another type of chemo called Taxol, which I was scheduled to have once a week for 12 cycles. Taxol in general is better tolerated by patients... it's main side effect is fatigue. Any form of chemo can linger in your body for up to 6 months, so at first the "leftovers" piled on top of the Taxol, and I continued to spend lots of time in bed. Also, as the weeks progressed, my blood counts continued to drop, which is part of the goal in treatment, but you don't want them to get too low.

We did have to postpone my chemo the week of Christmas to give my body some extra time to bring the counts up and back in the range where chemo is allowed. Although a delay in treatment is not ideal, it turned out to be a great Christmas gift... I started to feel a glimmer of hope about returning to my pre-chemo self. Going back to the weather analogy, it was like glimpsing a few rays of sunshine and being reminded that the storm will eventually clear. So, the next week we resumed chemo and I'm now back on my normal schedule of chemo every Friday. We also this week started "booster shots", which are injections that help to stimulate the production of white blood cells, and therefore bring my counts up. These injections have made a HUGE difference in my energy level this week and I'm so grateful that they are available and covered by my insurance.

So, now I only have 5 more rounds of chemo to go... my last treatment is on Feb 26th. Tears are coming to my eyes all of the sudden as I see that date in print... it's my finish line and I can finally see it in the distance.

So, that's what I have the energy to say for now. There's so many more stories I need to tell. I had hoped that I could keep my blog in chronological order, but storms make big messes sometimes. Then when the storms start to clear the news is filled with updates on the damage caused, but more importantly the stories of survival, inspiration, and people serving one another start to pour in... those are the are the stories I want to be sure to tell in the days ahead. Please pray that I'll have the energy and mental clarity to do so... and that there will be minimal technological challenges when I attempt to upload photos and videos.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. As I fix my eyes on the finish line, I feel 2 things: Jesus by my side and all of you cheering from the sidelines, "Go Mer Mer... Go Mer Mer...Go, Go, Go Mer Mer."

ABC News Segment

2009-11-30T05:20:00.017-06:00

Here it is... the link to watch my interview with Houston ABC News... and for those of you who are curious, the answer to your question is no, I didn't cut my hair short... I'm now bald and sporting a spunky wig :)

I'm still in awe of God's provision in this story. My first consultation with Dr. Timothy Hickman was in July... at that time there had never been a successful pregnancy in Texas from frozen eggs (which is different than frozen embryos). However, just 4 days prior to my appointment Dr. Hickman had started a clinical trial using a new technique on a patient named Ivonne Pena that showed promise... fast forward to current day and as you will see in the news segment she is pregnant with twins! This is the first time this has ever happened in Texas... and I am SO grateful that the technique was available.

I had 17 eggs successfully frozen in September... I'm the first cancer patient in Texas to use this new technique. So, now we wait until I'm finished with all of my treatment which includes 5 years on Tamoxifen... and we watch with great anticipation for Mr. Wonderful to come into my life. :)

Click on the following link for the video which will lead you to the website for ABC 13 in Houston. The video clip will automatically load at the top of your screen titled "Success rate of frozen eggs increasing":

Success rate of frozen eggs increasing

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Mer Mer on ABC News!!

2009-11-14T01:25:00.002-06:00

That's right... set your alarms and DVR's for Monday November 16th at 6pm... I will be on Houston ABC 13 News HealthCheck with Christi Myers... tune in to hear about how faithful God is and how He is the provider of Hope!!
For those of you outside of Houston I will post the link to the video next week.

Is Mer Mer MIA?

2009-10-26T23:19:00.002-05:00

NO... I'm still here... had my second round of chemo on Thursday and I'm recovering well... my mom is in town taking care of me.

There's so much to say... lots of updates... but it will be a few days... maybe longer before my brain has the energy to say it all...

So, know that I'm still resting in God's hands and keep watching the blog for "the rest of the story."

Chemo

2009-10-08T20:41:00.012-05:00

I started chemo today... Alyson and my brother Nathan were with me then my mom joined us when she arrived in town. Needless to say I wasn't looking forward to it, but it went relatively smoothly. My appetite spiked and I ate a HUGE lunch with great mexican food... I think it was the IV steroid that did it.

We also had a follow up appointment with the fertility specialist... my mom got to see where her grandbaby eggs live... they retrieved a total of 18 eggs on 9/23/09 and we found out today all but one of them was mature enough to be successfully frozen.... no worries, I'm not going to try for my own show about 17 kids and counting. :)

How am I feeling? Mainly I just feel exhausted. Some nausea starting tonight... have plenty of meds to deal with all the side effects.

The prayer pager went off CONSTANTLY today and was such an encouragement.

I'm off to bed now... Mom is the "charge nurse" the next few days. Please pray Alyson gets some rest tomorrow... she's been "the strong one" for weeks on end.

Tomorrow morning I go back to get my "booster shot" to help my immune system, then it's rest and recovery on the agenda for the weekend.

God is Good... even today when my circumstances are not pleasant... He is the same yesterday, today, and forever... and I am secure in His hands.

2009-10-07T22:34:00.002-05:00

Hi everyone (this is Alyson)! Meredith has been kicking herself over not blogging recently, so I thought I would give you a very quick update. Meredith starts chemotherapy tomorrow. She is doing 4-2 week courses followed by 12-1 week courses. They will use Adriamycin and Cytoxin during the 2 week courses and Taxol during the 1 week courses. Please pray for her as this process begins... for peace, strength, and rest. Pray for all of us who will be helping her...that we will rely on God for wisdom and stamina.

Her prayer pager number is 713-200-0069. Please call when you pray-it is a HUGE encouragement!

Ice, Ice, Baby...

2009-09-21T21:35:00.005-05:00

You know you want to sing along with me "Vanilla Ice, Ice, Baby..."

Operation Mer Mer Egg Rescue is reaching the critical hour... things are on course... the hormone injections have been working and the eggs growing... in a normal "month" women usually release one egg... I now have between 10-12 that are go for launch. I'm EXHAUSTED and nauseated, but comforted in knowing that cancer has NOT crushed my hope for mommyhood.

So, tonight at 11:30pm sharp Alyson has the privilege of giving me an intramuscular injection in my gluteal area... Translation: she gets to stick me in the caboose with a big needle after tolerating my raging hormones and emotions for over a week... amazingly, I still trust her. This is called the "trigger shot" that starts the countdown clock beginning with hour 35.

Then on Wednesday, 9/23/09 at 10am the fertility specialist will retrieve the Mer Mer eggs... and put them on Ice, Ice, Baby....

Standing

2009-09-17T23:54:00.003-05:00

Hormones.... lots and lots of hormones... Don't misunderstand me... I am so grateful that God put me in front of the only fertility specialist in Texas who is performing the egg freezing technique that has a chance at being successful. The procedure involves giving myself 3 types of injections twice a day that are telling my eggs to grow and pack their bags... 'cause they're going on a big trip soon. Then, when they are the right size, I'll get a "trigger shot" and egg retrieval will happen 35 hours later.

This week has been trying. The change in hormones has been a roller coaster. I've had a couple of nights when the tears turned on like a faucet that had no stop valve. There's a new definition to the word tired that I have not experienced before now. And I'm having what I assume are hot flashes...either that or I have the super hero power of being a space heater and didn't know it.

And I realized something earlier this week...my surgeon took my boobs... this I knew, however, it occurred to me that he's not going to return them.

Then came the appointment with the oncologist on Wednesday morning. The reality of chemo and the next steps of treatment started to set in... I really preferred being in denial. Nevertheless, there I was, sitting in her office talking about toxic drugs. She reviewed 3 main options of treatment courses that are medically sound, however I personally wished to hear about answer D: "none of the above".

The stress caught up with me this week in combination with the hormones, which lead to my blood pressure being elevated enough at the oncologist's office that it made Nurse Meredith concerned. I left there and went to physical therapy for my left arm, then home and straight to bed. I'm watching the blood pressure and it did come down to acceptable numbers after some rest.

I decided to let go of denial and try to read the information from the oncologist that I had been avoiding. So, there I was in my bed having hot flashes and feeling hormonal while reading about chemo potentially putting my ovaries out of business and causing me to go into menopause... and all the joys that menopause brings. So, of course the brain started swirling... ok, let me get this straight, I'm going to be boobless, bald, nauseated, tired, dizzy, with hormones flying, and finally in a long-term relationship but it's going to be with a port and toxic drugs? Really? Menopause? age 35? Can we just rewind for a minute? Is this really my life? And then there's this thing called "chemo brain"... I SOOOO do NOT need anything making me more scatter-brained than I already am!!!!

So, to my Mr. Wonderful, if you're reading this, please believe me when I tell you to be afraid... be very afraid of the mess I am and please wait to make an appearance at a better time.

So much for my blog being "inspirational"... I have been committed from the beginning that this is God's story to write, and I just want to be obedient in telling it. The story includes all kinds of Diva hormonal drama, so I'm telling it like it is, and if you've been paying attention at all, you know it's best not to argue with hormone girl about it. So take that.

Wednesday night I finally got out of bed to come downstairs for my 7pm round of injections. Katie (age 5) had on her own decided to draw a 4 page card for me to make me feel better. And the waterworks started...here's this sweet girl doing a wonderful thing for me... and my face looks like she just ran over my dog... and the play therapist in me got concerned about traumatizing her... so, I did my best to explain to her that "Mer Mer's face may look sad because she doesn't feel good, but I love you very much, and your card has made my heart happy, even though my face doesn't show it."

She continued to be sweet and loving, and I continued to cry. Then I helped get her and her sister Gracie ready for bed. We ended the night with what has become a routine for us. I got out the Baptist Hymnal my parents gave me for Christmas and opened it to what has become one of the girls' favorite new songs, and one that I have in my head constantly throughout this whole cancer business:

Standing on the Promises

Standing on the promises of Christ my King, Thro' eternal ages let His praises ring;

Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing, Standing on the promises of God.

Standing, Standing, Standing on the promises of God my Savior;

Standing, Standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises that cannot fail, When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,

By the living Word of God I shall prevail, Standing on the promises of God

Standing, Standing, Standing on the promises of God my Savior;

Standing, Standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I cannot fall, List'ning every moment to the Spirit's call,

Resting in my Savior as my all in all, Standing on the promises of God.

Standing, Standing, Standing on the promises of God my Savior;

Standing, Standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.

I awaken every morning and the first thought in my head is God, I can't... but you can.

I'm tired, and I'm moody, and I'm overwhelmed by the thought of the future... but by God's grace alone, I'm standing every day.

Komen Houston Race for the Cure®:

2009-09-14T00:27:00.003-05:00

Komen Houston Race for the Cure®:
Visit this link to learn more about how to join and support "Team Mer Mer" on October 3, 2009 in the Houston Race for the Cure.

Houston, We Are Go For Launch...

2009-09-10T23:32:00.000-05:00

I will be writing a more detailed update this weekend, but know many of you were praying today about the appointment with the fertility specialist, so before I went to bed I wanted you all to know that everything went well... the lab results and estrogen levels were in the range we needed, and we are officially a go for "Operation Mer Mer Egg Rescue". Hormone injections start tomorrow morning.

HOPE

2009-09-08T01:46:00.005-05:00

Two months ago was the beginning of this journey... I had a repeat mammogram and knew that there was something the radiologist found that caused enough concern to schedule a biopsy. I have to stop and take a deep breath every time I think of the enormity of the last 2 months... from being diagnosed with cancer, to the break in, to moving, to surgery and beyond. I can HONESTLY say to you all that the ONLY reason I have made it through these past two months is because of the grace and provision of God.

So, let me answer your question, "How are you Meredith... how have you been coping?"

Physical: I'm healing well... the two big incisions on my chest will take a long time to fade, but they are looking the best they can. I have tissue expanders in place on both sides... the one on the right was inflated some immediately in surgery because there was plenty of tissue to cover it (the right side had no cancer at all.... the mastectomy was preventative). The expander on the left is flat because the left side had much more trauma from surgery... more skin had to be removed and 15 lymph nodes total. I have slowly regained the range of motion in my arms... the right arm is pretty much back to normal, the left is going to take a little more time. I originally had 4 drains for the excess fluid (my "tentacles"), which were not fun to deal with and made day-to-day life more complicated, but they were necessary. The last 2 drains were removed on Wednesday, and I was very excited to be a free woman. I still have some swelling in my left armpit, and my chest feels tight because of the stretching of the skin... it will take time and patience. I have a physical therapy appointment in 2 days and have to continue my arm exercises and careful monitoring for signs of lymphedema which is a potential post-op complication of this type of surgery. Overall I've been sleeping well and haven't needed any pain meds besides Tylenol recently.

Test Results: Left boob had lots of cancer and it was all cut out. Left armpit had 15 lymph nodes removed... only one was positive (which is awesome!). Right boob was completely cancer free, but I did NOT want a ticking time bomb strapped to my chest, so it had to go too. It still is very puzzling to me... what got my left boob so angry when the right one was content? The positive lymph node and other areas of cancer were all hormone receptor positive. The HER-2 on the lymph node was negative (that's a good thing.) All of the other blood work, tumor markers, bone scan, ultrasounds, etc were clean.

Cosmetic Appearance: I was never "gifted" in the chest region to begin with... now I'm half expanded on the right and flat on the left, so wearing "normal" clothes becomes a concern. Luckily I found a wonderful woman who helped me with a specialty bra and "stuffing", so I can feel confident in my work clothes.
I still have my thick hair on my head for now... but I'm also preparing and planning for chemo. I have purchased a wig and that looks like me, just a shorter cut, so I'll be ready.

Emotional: In the last 3 weeks since surgery I can only count three "melt downs" total. The first one I already blogged about (the post titled "Storms"), the second was after a phone call with the fertility clinic (more on that in a minute), and the third was this week and was the result of me working really hard to try and get my life and surroundings under control... which of course is an impossible task. The tears have flowed, but also have quickly dried and I am confident that God's plan for my life is GOOD despite setbacks and temporary suffering.

Moving In: I am finally "settled" in Wayne and Alyson's house... several people have worked hard to help get me situated and unpacked so that I can rest, recover, and prepare for the phases ahead.

People: One of the biggest blessings by far has been amazing people in my life. My parents are completely supportive in any way I need them... my mom stayed for over a week after my surgery... my brother graciously handled all the details of my apartment lease and getting my car AC fixed successfully... my relatives came to the hospital for support (with my Sonic drink in hand)... friends and family made delicious meals and drove all the way to The Woodlands and we had great visits... many friends have called, emailed, sent text messages and flowers... and ALL of the staff at my work have rallied and supported me faithfully. The prayer pager continues to go off every day consistently.

Mental: There has been A LOT to process!!! The calendar continues to gather more doctor appointments and other things necessary for my treatment. The "To Do" List is totally overwhelming, but of course I managed to color-code it on Outlook (Many of you are well aware that when I get anxious or stressed, I attempt to figure out a plan and want to label everything.... I mean literally put labels on everything.) Just today we finished setting up my laptop (the one that replaced the laptop that was stolen....renter's insurance is a good thing to have), so I find some comfort in knowing that it can be my "brain" that goes with me to keep me organized. I still am processing treatment one step at a time... I was focused on surgery, now I'm shifting to fertility treatment and starting to see chemo on the horizon.

Financial: God is faithful and has provided in awesome ways through generous people. The insurance company has been good to follow through on their end in a timely manner. I'm still filing reimbursement claims for some things, but expect them to be approved. So far I have had the means to pay for doctor appointments, biopsies, surgery, wigs, etc. One of the biggest out-of-pocket expenses happens this week... fertility treatment, which is not covered by insurance. There's an amazing foundation called "Fertile Hope" that has donated the funds to cover the cost of my meds and hormone injections (which normally runs about $3,000.00) My fertility specialist also gives a significant discount on services to cancer patients, however the cost for the office visits, anesthesia, procedures, and storage fees will total somewhere near $10,000.00 I am going to receive a call from the fertility office today with the exact amount due. I humbly want to say THANK YOU to all of you who have contributed your monetary resources... I can't come up with words to express how comforting it has been in the midst of all the recent chaos to NOT have to also be in a panic about how to pay for it all. My brother Nathan Stedham is still managing any donations for my medical expenses. He can be reached by email at nathan@mirandgroup.com .

Work: I start back to work this week after a little over a 3 week absence. I am extremely blessed to work in a place that values me so much that they are willing to do whatever is necessary to support me and allow me the ability to make my healing a priority. I'm a little bit nervous about how I'll do... but confident that God will provide the strength and stamina I need.

Okay... I've procrastinated as long as I can and covered every other topic I can think of... now comes the part that's hard for me...

Fertility: Certain types of chemo tend to send women into permanent early menopause... and it's very likely that my chemo recipe will include a drug that is not ovarian-friendly. Also my cancer will require me to be on Tamoxifen for 5 years, which is a drug that would be damaging during any pregnancy. And since Mr. Wonderful has not made an appearance that I know of yet, the earliest we're looking at a possible baby bump on me is age 40 or after... the age that fertility issues for "healthy" women becomes significantly more difficult. Now, I realize there are many women who have had beautiful and healthy children after the age of 40...and also many cancer survivors who had no problems becoming pregnant after chemo. Every case is unique... and all of the factors in my particular case, with my particular cancer and treatment regimen add up to discouraging statistical probabilities in the eyes of the experienced scientific community. HOWEVER, GOD IS BIG ENOUGH AND HE IS FAITHFUL. HE ALONE IS THE GIVER OF ALL GOOD THINGS AND THE SOURCE OF HOPE.

Those of you who have been following my blog know that weeks ago I asked you to pray that I get my period against the odds (surgery and stress cause many women to go weeks or months without one)... thank you for your prayers...obviously my period came and we were able to start the process to retrieve and freeze my eggs. There was a limited window of opportunity between surgery and starting chemo... so this was really the only chance to do this. I have an appointment with the fertility specialist Thursday morning, then will start twice daily hormone injections this Friday that will last 10-12 days. The good news is that my eggs will forever be age 35, even when I'm in my 40's! I still am absolutely amazed at how this part of God's story is playing out... There's even more that I need to tell you all about it, but just looked at the clock and must go to bed immediately... I need to get up in a few hours and back to work!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Pathology Results Are In...

2009-08-24T15:48:00.000-05:00

I got the call from the surgeon this afternoon.... pathology results are the best news they can be. We already knew I had breast cancer, which was again confirmed. In total they removed 15 lymph nodes from my left arm.... and ONLY ONE was positive!!! The one lymph node we already knew about and had already biopsied was tough and didn't allow the cancer to go any further down the chain! PRAISE GOD!!!

There's still some more tests they will do in the next week that will give more information about the characteristics and personality of the cancer that will further determine the best combination of chemo drugs for my treatment. As of now, my official cancer "stage" is II A, which is a good thing... or more accurately said, it's a God thing.

Thank you all for your continuing prayers and support.

Storms

2009-08-21T22:29:00.000-05:00

Tonight there was a big storm in Houston... many of you may have been caught in it... we'll get to that in a minute.

First, let me catch you up since my last update. I came home from the hospital on Wednesday and things went relatively smoothly, mainly just rested.

Yesterday (Thursday) I had a few little tantrums. I didn't blog yesterday because I wasn't sure how much information is "too much information", but since then I've decided considering I've already broadcast details about my boobs and ovaries and uterus, there's just no need for holding back.

I've said all along on this journey, "It's God's story to write, I just want to be faithful in telling it."

So, God's story yesterday included a 35 year old women having a tantrum that lead to a mini melt-down. I don't really know what triggered it... it's obviously been an emotional time and things just seemed to pile up. I also know that I didn't have time or energy before surgery to process all the emotions and it was only a matter of time before that caught up with me.

One of the hardest things for me this week has been admitting my weakness, limitations, and lack of independence. I hadn't needed my mommy to give me a bath since I was a young child, but yesterday she had to do just that (and she did it gladly).

I have always been a self-sufficient and independent individual... and those attributes have been reinforced significantly by my being single at 35 and living alone for years. Translation: I'm sometimes really stubborn and proud... I love to be the one doing the helping and self-sacrificing, nursing, counseling, encouraging others, etc. But, being on the receiving end of that has been a challenge for me and will continue to be an area where God stretches me and gives me opportunities to grow and learn.

So, the tears flowed yesterday, which is to be expected from time to time. Despite my getting emotional, I still know that God is in control and has a plan for my life and every journey along the way. I did have a moment yesterday when I wanted to just say, "okay, change of plans, I don't have cancer anymore... rewind and do over." Clearly, that is not a real option.
I'm comforted when I have my "tantrums" by the book of Psalms... take a look at it for yourself... you can go from "God, you are mighty and great" to "God, where are you, I'm in despair!" in just a few chapters. Bottom line: God can handle all of our true emotions, anxiety, fears, and anything else. He IS and ALWAYS will be a good, loving, sufficient God.

Moving on to today.... started out tired (I have discovered that I have a penicillin allergy... hives on top of everything else... fun times.) Had a follow up visit with the plastic surgeon... wounds are healing well and everything is on track. Obviously we changed the antibiotic and started benadryl, so the allergic reaction is close to under control. I'm still adjusting to the feeling of foreign objects in my body: I have 2 tissue expanders in my chest, then there are the four drainage tubes and drains attached to my sides... that guy in the Spiderman movie... Dr. Otto Octavious known as "Doc Ock" ... he would totally think my "tentacles" are hot and want to date me right now. Besides feeling a little like an alien at times, my pain is under control and my range of motion in my arms is much improved.

Tonight I had a wonderful visit with an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time who brought dinner to the house. Then the big thunderstorms hit... and Alyson was on a brief errand until her car broke down on the side of the road in the rain... and Gracie needed to potty stat... and Katie accidentally knocked over my Sonic vanilla Dr. Pepper and was feeling terrible about it... and the oven was beeping telling me to do something, but I wasn't sure what... and the house phone was ringing... and my cell phone was ringing at the same time and telling me I also had a text message.... and so I loudly announced to the girls "Sit down NOW, we're going to pray" That's right, I have a master's degree in Counseling and Play Therapy and I pulled the "I'm the grown up, so do what I say" trick.

So we sat on the floor: me, Gracie (age 3), and Katie (age 4) and prayed for safety for their dad and mom in the storm... and we thanked God for giving us friends to help us weather the storms.
(Then we ate our yummy casserole and awesome brownie dessert.) And after I put them to bed, I took a REAL shower... now I'm clean head to toe and resting comfortably in the living room of my dear friend Alyson who has chosen to weather this storm with me.

Goodnight and peaceful rest to you all.

I'm Home!

2009-08-19T23:51:00.000-05:00

I was discharged from the hospital today around 2:30pm. The first thing I did when I got home was take a bath, then I went down the road to my hair dresser and got my hair washed and blow-dryed. Being clean after 3 days with no shower felt really good.

I still have some pain, which is to be expected with this surgery. The pain meds are my friend and I'm taking them routinely to try and stay ahead of the pain. I'm getting up and around better each day, but still require frequent naps. I'm very much looking forward to sleep in my own bed tonight.

Alyson's girls Katie and Gracie were happy to have me home and have been "helping me" with walking, getting me pillows and blankets, etc.... they are adorable.

Roxy (my dog) also seems relieved to have me home... she is being very gentle with me and her GI issues seem to be improving now that her mama is at home.

The prayer pager continues to be a great encouragement and constant reminder of the extended family of faith that is with me through this journey... thank you to you all so much.

Tuesday Update

2009-08-18T17:10:00.000-05:00

It's Tuesday at 5pm and today has gone well. I have been up several times to walk around and am back on a regular diet. My pain is much more under control today, but I will continue to be sore for another week or so. I am most likely going to be discharged home sometime tomorrow.

Alyson's girls Katie and Gracie came to see me this afternoon and were adorable... they've been practicing giving "gentle hugs". We had a good visit.

Prayer requests:
1) safe travel for my dad tonight back to Arlington (mom will stay here with me through the weekend)
2) a speedy recovery for my dog Roxy (she's a boxer)- she has been having GI issues since Saturday... dad took her to the vet today... she got IV fluids for dehydration and some antibiotics... we think she's worried about me and want her to feel better ASAP
3) strength for me... surgery makes you TIRED! I'm napping constantly and have to rest after only a short walk... pray that my body has the energy it needs for healing.
4) peace and rest for Alyson and Wayne as they prepare to welcome me back in their home to care for me

Feeling Better

2009-08-17T21:52:00.000-05:00

It's now 10pm and I'm in my hosptial room with my mom. She wore the prayer pager today and said it's been going off constantly :)

There's some pain and soreness from surgery, but it's getting better and I've been able to sleep alot today. I'm drinking water and, of course, had a Sonic Vanilla Dr. Pepper special delivered... those of you who know me well know I had to have my Sonic!

In Room

2009-08-17T14:34:00.000-05:00

Meredith is in her room now. She is extremely groggy and in A LOT of pain. They are controlling the pain in several ways so she is able to sleep. She is sleeping now. Please pray for comfort and relief from the pain.

In recovery

2009-08-17T12:13:00.001-05:00

Meredith is out of surgery. Everything went great! She is in recovery and said to the doctor, "I am so confused!" We will get to see her in about an hour. The pathology results from the lymph nodes will not come back until the end of the week.

Moving forward

2009-08-17T10:51:00.001-05:00

We just heard from the surgeon-everything is going smoothly. There have been no issues at all-no elevated heart rate, no bleeding issues, etc. As Meredith would say, "The boobies have gone byebye." The plastic surgeon has taken over and is expected to be finished in one or two hours.

In surgery

2009-08-17T08:24:00.000-05:00

Meredith is in surgery. She was in great spirits this morning-laughing and happy. She was a good patient when they started her IV (even though it took a few tries with her tricky veins). I will update when we hear from the surgeon in the middle of the surgery.

Tomorrow is the big day...

2009-08-16T20:30:00.000-05:00

From Alyson:

It's 8:30pm... less than 12 hours until surgery time. Meredith is still getting things together for tomorrow, so I thought I would give you a quick update with some prayer requests for tomorrow.

Meredith, Mary (her mom), and I met with the oncologist, the surgeon, and the plastic surgeon on Friday. It was an exhausting day of appointments and paperwork but we all felt better prepared for tomorrow when we were finished. We got great news from the oncologist. All the labs and tests looking for metastases came back clean-there are no other obvious tumors in her body! Also, chemo will not start until 6-8 weeks after the surgery. That puts the first chemo treatment into early October which gives the doctors more time to get her eggs harvested and put them on ice (almost double the amount of time we originally expected)! As you can imagine, there was a deep sigh of relief (and thankfulness) when we got these updates.

Another story of God's faithfulness...Meredith has been very careful about when and how we have talked to Katie and Gracie about everything that is happening. (I am so thankful that she is a trained play therapist-she knows how to explain all this in ways they understand!) Since surgery was coming up, Meredith was looking for various supplies for "medical play" with the girls. The wonderful staff at the plastic surgeon's office were eager to help us get what we needed, but they ran into roadblocks as they looked for one item in particular- a JP drain. A single drain costs more than $50, so there were not many "spare" ones lying around. Earlier this week, I got an email from the nurse apologizing because they weren't able to get one for us. I was disappointed, but I knew God wants to protect Katie and Gracie's hearts and minds even more than I do. He knew exactly what supplies Meredith would need to talk to them. I left it at His feet. No more than an hour later, I got a second email from the nurse saying that the hospital GAVE a fully functional drain to the doctor to give to us! He owns the cattle on a thousand hills...and the medical supplies of a thousand hospitals! Yesterday, we had a sweet time of explanation and play with the girls as they played surgeon on their dolls. (see pictures below) Katie already says she wants to be a doctor when she grows up, so playing surgeon was VERY exciting!

Ok, now for info about tomorrow:

Meredith's surgery begins at 7:30 AM (that means an EXTREMELY early morning for all of us) and is expected to finish around 1:00 PM. She will be spending one or two nights at Houston Northwest Medical Center. We will know her room number when she is in recovery tomorrow. I will update the blog as we get information. Meredith's mom, Mary, will be wearing the prayer pager during the day tomorrow, so continue to page her as you pray! The prayer pager number is 713-200-0069 (just put in your zip code). I know it will be an incredible encouragement to all of us!!

Meredith is looking forward to seeing everyone again, but she has asked that visitors be limited to immediate family on Monday. On Tuesday, I'm sure she will enjoy having a few visitors. She is expected to come home on Wednesday.

If you would like to help with meals, a care calendar has been set up for Meredith. Email me at alysonjpmiller@gmail.com for the web address and code. If you would like to send her a note while she is in the hospital, feel free to email me at that address. I will print them out and share them with her.

Prayer requests:

1. Wisdom, energy, and expertise for all who are involved in the surgery. This includes respecting the "sterile field"...you can ask Meredith about that one later. :)

2. Peace and comfort for Meredith. This is MAJOR for her in so many ways. She has been in many hospitals as a nurse and done many procedures on patients, but she has never had an IV herself, never had stitches or a broken bone, and never slept in a hospital bed; so this is like jumping into the deep end...

3. For Meredith, a deep "heart" understanding that body and soul, she is marvelously made (Psalm 139:14 from The Message).

4. Strength and endurance for the rest of us (Mike, Mary, Nathan, Alyson, and anyone else I'm forgetting) as we sit at the hospital and as we care for Meredith in the coming weeks.

2009-08-06T22:47:00.001-05:00

Okay... here it is... the long awaited update... you'll quickly see why it's taken so long for me to get back to blogging.

Here's a summary of the last few weeks: (PARENTS: Please keep in mind this is a story about Breast Cancer... please screen this blog before deciding if you want your children to read it.)

Tues, June 23: I turned 35.

Thurs, June 25: 2 days after turning 35 I got a mammogram (Thank you Dr. Dawson for instructing me many years ago to start getting mammograms at 35... that advise saved my life.)

Tues, July 7: I had a repeat mammogram and ultrasound done... they informed me they had concerns and wanted to do a biopsy

Fri, July 10: I had a biopsy done on my left breast and a lymph node on the same side

Tues, July 14: The pathology results were in and I got the call from my Ob/Gyn that both biopsy samples were both positive for cancer... I fell to my knees in my office and cried and prayed... and felt the loving arms of my God wrapped tightly around me. I called my parents, my brother, and my best friend Alyson Pope Miller (who lives in Houston)

Wed, July 15: Mom and Dad drove down from Arlington... that afternoon my parents, Alyson, and my brother Nathan all went with me to my appointment with my Surgeon... there were some tears shed, but again the peace of God which transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7) was very real to me.

Fri, July 17: Four more biopsies were done... (the pathology results would later show the same kind of cancer that we had already discovered)

Sat, July 18: My small group met for a sweet time of fellowship and prayer with me, my parents, and Alyson. Afterwards, I was in my car driving back to Alyson's house when my car A/C went out... again (it had been in the shop 3 times in the previous 2 months for A/C problems.)

Mon, July 20: I called my brother Nathan and told him I needed a man's help... he went with me to the auto repair shop and I let them know that I couldn't handle the stress of the car and that Nathan would be handling it all (thanks Bubba!)

My mom and Alyson went with me to my first appointment with the oncologist... she spent over 2 hours with us! I have been blessed with an amazing team of compassionate and knowledgeable doctors.

Tues, July 21: Exactly one week after my diagnosis. My mom left that morning to return to Arlington... and I returned to work for the first time in a week. After work I picked up my car from the shop... at NO CHARGE! (the compressor had to be replaced again and I had already paid for it to be replaced in May)

So, I headed home to my apartment to eat dinner before heading to small group... when I walked in the door, things were a mess... it took me a minute to realize that my apartment had been broken into that day while I was at work. My reaction?... "Are you kidding me?!!... No, really, are you KIDDING me?!!!... don't the burglar's know I've just been diagnosed with cancer....and my car A/C has been out the last few days in the 110 degree heat ....and therefore they CAN'T do this to ME!" I quickly scanned the living room to see what was missing... my new laptop my parents had purchased for me just 6 days prior and 2 digital cameras.

Then I looked into the bedroom and saw my big jewelry chest with the drawers pulled out on the floor and all emptied, and immediately I held my breath... 95% of my jewelry is inexpensive and easily replaced, except for a few sentimental pieces including the ring that Alyson and her husband Wayne gave me for my birthday when I first moved to Houston... it had so much sentimental value, especially now since Alyson was by my side at every step of this new journey with cancer in my life. As I walked into my bedroom I feared the ring was gone and said "Oh Lord, NO!" I stepped into the room... and there on my bed was the box that I kept my ring in... I held my breath and opened it... and there was my ring safely inside!!!!!! Immediately I KNEW that God had intervened... the burglar's definitely saw the ring box... they had taken it out of it's drawer, dumped and packed everything else in the drawer to take with them, then picked up the ring box and set it on the bed... and God must have made them forget it or blinded them to it, because there it was. A passage from 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9 came to my mind. "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." God is SO faithful in all circumstances... He knew that even though it's just a possession, losing that ring would have crushed my spirit, so He protected it.

I called the police... they came out quickly and the officer informed me there had been several break-ins in my complex recently... not violent crimes, just "crimes of opportunity" where they took things that are easy to carry and sell quickly. I knew that I couldn't deal with the stress of worrying about safety on top of everything else, and that I would be moving. I called Sareca from my small group to let her know I wouldn't make it to group... a few minutes later I got a text from her saying "We're on our way." My sweet sisters-in-Christ came to my apartment and helped me pack to go stay with friends and spent time praying with me.

I never stayed another night at that apartment.

Wed, July 22: I woke up at Alyson's house and got ready for work... I knew I needed to move and didn't have time to find a place, and I knew that my precious friends would welcome me with open arms into their home, and I know that God works ALL THINGS for good, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to live alone throughout all of my treatment, so I told Alyson I was moving in. Right as I was about to leave for work, Alyson's 4-year-old daughter Katie asked me "Mer Mer (the girls' nickname for me), are you going to stay at our house again tonight?" I told Alyson to grab the video camera, and we recorded me telling the girls (Katie and 3-year-old sister Gracie) that I would be living with them... their reaction was PRICELESS!
****SEE THE VIDEO CLIP AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS POSTING****

Thurs, July 23: I had an appointment with a fertility specialist... not something I had ever before imagined doing, especially not while single! The thing is, chemo has a tendency to permanently shutdown the ovaries. The doctor told me that after all of my surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, and 5 years of Tamoxifen are complete, my chance of getting pregnant will be less than 1%... My IMMEDIATE response to him was "My God is big enough." There's so much more I need to write about the fertility issue and plan but, in the interest of time, for now just know that we're working on it (freezing my eggs) and God is very clearly guiding me through a situation I NEVER saw coming.

Sat, July 25: girls from my small group met me at my apartment and helped me quickly pack everything for the move

Mon, July 27: My appointment with the plastic surgeon (Alyson was there with me for this one too)

Tues, July 28: The movers came to the apartment... one week after the break-in all of my boxes and furniture were out of the apartment and taken to Alyson's house. My amazingly gracious friend stored enough of their furniture to make sure there would be room for me to have my own bed, couch, TV, etc. all set up so I could really feel comfortable and at home during my treatment and recovery.

Wed, July 29: I received my "Prayer Pager" from my church (Second Baptist in Houston). When someone prays for me, they can call my pager # 713-200-0069 and enter their zip code and hit pound(#)... then my pager goes off and shows the zip code.

Now, those of you who know me well are aware that I startle very easily... and that I'm very ticklish... so you can imagine how entertaining it has been for me to wear a vibrating prayer pager on my waist that goes off constantly. :) That being said, I've gotten used to it, so keep the prayers and pages coming!!

Thurs, July 30: Appointment with the radiation oncologist... everything goes well and she prepares me to expect that they will recommend radiation once the pathology results are received from my surgery.

Sun, Aug 2: I gave my testimony in my Sunday School class

Mon, Aug 3: After work I attended a support group for women with breast cancer... and I went home doing the ugly, can't breath, snot dripping, sobbing cry (you ladies know the cry I'm talking about).

As a nurse and a daughter who watched her mom go through breast cancer twice, I know a lot of the milestones that are ahead, but as I sat in that group, I was aware of how young I am in comparison to the other women, and that I don't feel at all like a "sick person." I've been asymptomatic this entire time... the only reason we found the cancer was because of the mammogram... I still feel as healthy and strong as ever.

Let me say that it was SO comforting to know that I was NOT driving home to a lonely one-bedroom apartment. Instead, I was going home to my dear friends. Wayne made an emergency food run for comfort food for me & Alyson gave me a big hug and just listened while I threw a brief "this is not my life" tantrum... then we watched So You Think You Can Dance (great show) and Wayne made me do the Mer Mer belly laugh when he tried to "dance." The tears quickly dried and we ended the night laughing and talking... and I thanked God for the burglary that lead me to the decision to live with my friends.

Thurs, Aug 6: I took the day off to spend at the hospital for a chest xray, bone scan, blood work, and abdominal ultrasound. All of these tests are relatively standard to check for any spread of the cancer... still waiting on official results, but I expect them to be clear.

And that pretty much brings us to today.

THE PLAN:

4 major steps: Surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, more surgery.

Translation: Bye-Bye boobies, lose my hair, get red & irritated skin, then hello upgrade :)

Surgery is Monday 8/17/09 at 7:30am at Houston Northwest Medical Center. I will probably stay in the hospital for 2 nights. I'm scheduled to be off of work for 2 weeks. My parents, of course, will be here and my mom will stay with me in the hospital. I will assign someone to post an update on my blog the day of surgery for you all to read.

Prayer Requests:

1) Continued peace and guidance in this journey

2) Rest and good health this week entering into surgery

3) Strength, rest, and energy for my parents, brother and his family, and Alyson and her family as they rally around me and care for me in the next few weeks

4) Strength for the nurses at work who will be absorbing my patients while I'm away

5) Patience and understanding for Katie and Gracie (ages 4 and 3) as they witness my journey through surgery (Remember I'm a trained play therapist and nurse... God prepared me long ago to be ready to help them through this in age-appropriate ways!)

6) Pray that I have my period after surgery... yes, you just read that right, I said pray for my period, as in menstrual cycle. Stress can cause it to be delayed... and surgery can delay it also... and I need to have it for the fertility treatments before starting chemo.
(Talk about getting personal! I've said throughout this journey "It's God's story to write, I just want to be faithful in telling it." Well, my ability to one day be pregnant is part of God's story, so I'm telling it)

Financial Assistance:
Cancer is expensive. I am very grateful for insurance that will cover the vast majority of the cost. Fertility treatments are not covered by insurance. So far, I’ve paid for the 1st biopsy and co-pays for doctor visits. I know the bills will soon start to add up… I’m just trusting that God has a plan that includes all the financial matters.
I have always been uncomfortable asking for money… even in grade school when I had something to sell for a fundraiser, I dreaded asking for money. I have had a few friends ask recently about helping financially. In order to take the emotion and guilt out of this topic for me (and yes, I know it’s my issue and I need to learn to accept generosity from others), I have appointed my brother Nathan Stedham to be in charge of the “Mer Mer Cancer Fund.” He can be reached by email at Nathan@mirandgroup.com .

Thank you all SO MUCH for your support, prayers, cards, emails, text messages, etc.
I am incredibly blessed!

Meredith
meredithstedham@hotmail.com
(If you need my mailing address, email me and I will send it to you)

How Do You Fit Cancer Into Your Outlook?

2009-07-20T21:47:00.000-05:00

In the last few months, I have become a big fan of Microsoft Outlook. I love having a place to organize my Calendar, To Do Lists, and email...not to mention all of it can be color-coded! How's that for excitement? I enjoy trying to bring order into chaos. So, when I received the diagnosis of cancer, then heard I would need chemo, surgery, and maybe radiation, my way of coping was to try and get out the calendar, rally the support team, and make a plan and schedule with treatments dates, doctor appointments, etc. Just when I thought I was going to be able to start plugging things into my calendar and start making sense of it all... today happened.

I had the first meeting with the oncologist today. We're still going to do all the same types of tests, surgery, chemo, and maybe radiation, but the order of everything got shuffled. I must say I would prefer that my cancer be neat, orderly, and controlled. And yes, I do realize the irony of that statement. Just another reminder today that life is not about my plans, my schedule, my trying to "control" things. Instead, it's all about HIS plan... and my learning to get out of the way and trust Him in the process.

Part of the reason for the shuffle in treatment plans is due to the fact that my cancer is "complicated" according to the oncologist. Those of you who know me well should not be surprised at all that my cancer would follow the pattern of my life-being complicated :)

One of the first things they they do with cancer is decide the "stage". One of the important pieces of information is the size of the tumor. In my "complicated" case, they haven't found a tumor to size. Now, before you get excited about a miraculous healing, let me explain... I have had 6 areas biopsied since last Friday. They have found DCIS and Carcinoma in 1 lymph node ... they still have not identifed a big "tumor," so the theory we're operating from is still that the DCIS has had micro-invasions and that we won't find a "primary tumor."

So, at least for now, the plan seems to be as follows:
1) We start with surgery. There are several reasons for this. Mainly it's the necessary first step to get in the operating room and be able to really look and see what we're dealing with, then we'll be better prepared to make the best decisions for further treatment. Also we will be removing some more lymph nodes to check for any spread of the cancer. Surgery date is yet to be determined, but it should be within the next month.
2) Between now and the surgery date comes multiple tests. These will include a bone scan, genetic testing, blood work, chest x-ray, and abdominal ultrasound. Again, we're just trying to gather all the information we can to make the most educated decisions possible.
3) After tests and surgery, chemotherapy is likely to follow. Because of all the info we will have by then, the oncologist will tailor the treatment based on how aggressive we need to be.
4) Radiation may come next
5) Then more surgery and reconstruction

So, are you exhausted just reading all this? I must admit I'm pretty tired. This week has tested my strenght and endurance in many ways... and I've learned something... cancer is NOT going to fit neatly into my Outlook on my computer.... however, God has allowed me the amazing chance to yield to His plan, which can change my "outlook" on life and what really matters.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you for your incredible support this week.

I will continue to update you frequently.

"For I know the PLANS I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Thursday's Update

2009-07-20T21:39:00.000-05:00

Thursday 7/16/09

Today consisted of coordinating appointments and planning the next few days.
Tomorrow will be another test- we know I have cancer, they just need to check another spot (still in the breast tissue). I've had people ask, so let me just answer this question: we know the cancer originated in the breast... we have no reason to believe there are any other tumors hiding anywhere else in my body. I have an appointment with the oncologist on Monday at 3:30pm. This appointment will lay out alot of the details and plan for the next few months. I will be sure to send out an update.

If you're asking "how are you REALLY doing, Mer?" The answer is: I have cried some, and my mind has been on overload once or twice... however, believe me without reservation when I tell you the strength, peace, and love of our heavenly Father has been constant and steadfast. I'm taking it one day at a time.

So, now I'm going to take a break from cancer and watch "So You Think You Can Dance"

Love you all.
Mer

2009-07-19T18:53:00.002-05:00

I'm so sorry you're all getting the news like this... below are the two emails I've sent out to my small group and friends from church... they tell the story of how I've been diagnosed with breast cancer. My parents are in Houston with me now... my brother and his wife live 20 minutes away... and my best friend Alyson Pope Miller is literally sitting by my side... I'm surrounded by love and support.

This is the first email I sent out Tuesday 7/14/09:

I don't quite know how to start this email... I want to say without hesitation that God is GOOD, he is FAITHFUL, and his plan IS perfect.

Some of you may have heard by now... I wanted to be sure and fill you in.

Today (Tuesday) I received biopsy results... I have breast cancer.

As you all know, I turned 35 in June... my mom has SURVIVED breast cancer twice... and her doctor years ago drilled it into my head that I needed to start getting mammograms at age 35. So, 2 days after my birthday, I got one. Then about a week ago, I got a call... they needed to do some more films and an ultrasound, so we did... then they needed to to a biopsy... so we did that this past Friday July 10th... they took tissue from one side and also did a biopsy of a lymph node that looked suspicious... they told me it would be anywhere between Tuesday and Thursday when I got the results.... today at 5pm I got the call.... both samples are positive for Carcinoma.

Specifically, I have Ductal Carcinoma in Situ (DCIS) ... you can go to the website www.breastcancer.org and search for it. It is a great source for accurate information, and you will find that as cancer goes, it's a "good" one to have and very successfully treated. The possible twist is the lymph node... it may not be too difficult to treat, or it may be a sign that there is more to the story and therefore more steps needed for treatment.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) at 4:15 pm I am meeting with a surgeon who is going to review all of the test results with me and talk about a plan of action from this point forward. After that, we should know alot more about the scope and general time frame of what we're facing.

God was with me EVERY step of the way on this journey this week and I can honestly say that He provides a peace that transcends all understanding. I had just finished with my last patient of the day when I got the call. My best friend Alyson came to my work and followed me home... she helped me pack a bag and I'm staying with her for a few days. My parents will arrive in Houston in the morning, and my brother will join us. All of them will be with me tomorrow for the appointment. I feel so blessed and loved.

To my small group.... Girls, I love you all dearly. Please know that I wasn't trying to keep this from you. It happened quickly and was overwhelming at first. I had to tell the people at work because I had to suddenly be away for doctor visits... and I had to tell my family and best friend. Church was the one area of my life that seemed to be contained... I knew that this past Sunday might be the last "normal" Sunday I had for a while, and I wanted to savor it.... Thank you all for praying for me and supporting me... and THANK YOU Casey for being my "messenger", especially after I hung up on you! (ask her about that story :)

Please pray that I will be able to think of all of the questions I need to ask at the appointment tomorrow.Pray for my mom and dad to have safe travel from Arlington in the morning.Pray for wisdom and discernment in the decisions over the next few days.Above all else, pray that God will continue to be glorified through all of this... I will update you when I know more.
In Him,Meredith (Mer Mer)

This is the second email I sent out Wednesday 7/15/09:

My sweet Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

Thank you all so much for your text messages, calls, emails, and most of all your prayers.
Today (Wednesday) was a good day and God again provided peace. The highlight was when I was filling out the forms at the doctor's office... Under my information the form asked for spouse's name- I wrote "to be determined" :) I still believe... even now... I still believe :)

The appointment with the surgeon went well... God provided exactly the doctor I needed to talk me through everything with compassion, wisdom, and sound medical advice. As you can imagine, today has been a long day and I'm exhausted, so I'll just cut to the chase:I do have DCIS according to my pathology reports which usually is a very contained, easily treated type of cancer.However, that is not the path that we're going to take. The lymph node biopsy was positive... that means that I also have an invasive form of cancer... DCIS normally stays sealed in the ducts only.... the cancer in the lymph node had to come from somewhere, so either there's a tumor hiding that did not show up on the films or ultrasound (unlikely), or the more probable explanation is that it's microinvasion, meaning the cancer cells leaked out, but did not clump together and grow into a tumor large enough to see or feel.

Because of the positive lymph node, the fact that it's an invasive cancer, and that it is rapid growing and aggressive means that Chemo is necessary and will probably start in the next 2 weeks. Most likely 21 day cycles, ie. get a treatment, then feel sick for 3-5 days, then feel good for 2 weeks, then get another treatment. I'll need 6-8 courses of chemo total... then 21 days off for my body to rest... then surgery which will mean 4-6 weeks recovery time.

There's still some testing we need to do to decide a few more things about whether radiation is necessary and how and when we will investigate for any more lymph nodes that might be involved. So, the next step is I need to talk to an oncologist. My surgeon is going to try to call in a favor with an oncologist he knows to get me seen tomorrow, and I have some other high-placed connections that are checking as well, so I'm confident I'll be seen soon.

Prayer requests:
1. That God makes it abundantly clear which oncologist I need to see and that I have total peace and confidence in the decision
2. Continued strength, peace, and good sleep for my parents, brother, sister-in-law, best friend Alyson, and myself
3. Clarity of mind to know all the best questions to ask and wisdom to navigate the treatment options

I have shed some more tears today, but still know God is in control... His plan is good, and His timing is perfect.I appreciate all of the offers for help... I can't begin to tell you how blessed and loved I have felt the last 24 hours. The main thing you can do for me right now is pray. In the coming weeks and months, there will be more specific needs, and I promise to be honest and ask for what I need and allow you all to minister to my needs along the way.

Some of you have been asking about my job... again God's plan is good... he has me at a job where the people genuinely care about me and are completely supportive. My boss (the doctor I work for) tonight told me he is "behind me 1,000%" and will support me in any way he can... translation: even though I may need 3-4 times my allotted time off this year, he will work it out with me. Then he asked me to "keep him abreast of what's going on"... Did you just laugh out loud?... "abreast"- get it?! Ha Ha...he didn't realize he had said it until I cracked up laughing.

I think that's all for now... I'll update you again soon.
In Him,
Meredith