Tomorrow is a word that can hold so many emotions, expectations, possibilities, and defining moments. Remember some of the fun ones with me: Tomorrow I graduate from high school... Tomorrow I start my new job... Tomorrow I leave on vacation... Tomorrow is our first date...Tomorrow I move into my first house...Tomorrow is Race for the Cure. Tomorrows can also instill less pleasant emotions: Tomorrow is the big deadline at work... Tomorrow is the licensing exam... Tomorrow taxes are due... Tomorrow we get the test results from the doctor.
Over the last 9 months I have had some noteworthy Tomorrows: Tomorrow I turn 35...Tomorrow I get my mammogram... Tomorrow I'll tell them that I have cancer... Tomorrow is the surgery... Tomorrow they extract my eggs... Tomorrow I start chemo. The word tomorrow, at least for me, is one that is pondered most at night. It might be thought of some during the day, but the majority of the anticipation for tomorrow happens once I'm in my pj's and working towards going to sleep. That's when the excitement, or butterflies, or stress, or worry is at it's purest. My thoughts of tomorrow are often based on what I know, or at least think I know and what I need to do to "be prepared" for tomorrow to the best of my ability. I believe God has a plan for each of my tomorrows, so my prayers are for strength and comfort in the situation; and that God will guide me, teach me, uphold me, and use me to serve others in the midst of whatever tomorrow holds.
So, now I'm in my pj's sitting on my bed thinking about another milestone: Tomorrow, Friday Feb 26th, I finish my chemo. Tomorrow my perspective shifts from bracing myself for the biggest test my body has ever faced to instead throwing my arms up and saying "I made it!" There are still some steps ahead including more reconstructive surgery, 5 years on Tamoxifen (an oral medication), and follow up appointments to monitor for recurrence. While tomorrow isn't the "end", it will be a day that I stand in awe of God's provision for my every need and how far he has carried me.
One of the lessons that has been reinforced for me along this journey is that no matter how huge, intimidating, life-altering, or frightening my tomorrows may be, God is ever-present to hear my prayers, comfort and calm my anxiety, and assure me that He has a plan for my life. Since June my pj's and I have contemplated some major "tomorrows", and there have been many nights that my pillowcase was drenched with tears. It has been hard. It has been overwhelming. Most importantly, it has been a beautiful lesson in faith that I will be thankful for every day for the rest of my life. Hebrews 11:1 says, "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Every tomorrow has been an opportunity for me to choose faith, to believe God is good even when my circumstances include suffering, to trust in my heart that His plan and timing are best for me, and to be certain that the coming tomorrows will hold all the things I have hoped for.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Are We There Yet?
We've all been there... the ridiculously long road trip, the one that feels like it will never end. You try to be a good sport about it... you pass the time reading, napping, maybe even singing silly travel songs, but eventually after miles and miles the question that continues to dominate your thoughts can no longer be ignored: ARE WE THERE YET?!
There is a countdown happening this week... countdown until Friday, Feb 26th which is the date of my final chemo! It's the finish line and it's within reach. I want to be excited about it... I am absolutely grateful for it. However, if I'm being completely honest with you in this moment, I just feel like a whiney kid on a long road trip. My body is tired from this journey. And I got my booster shot today to help keep my counts up, so currently I'm aching from my teeth down to my toes. I want to be positive and keep things in perspective, it's just hard to write when all I want to say is "I don't feel good."
There is a bible verse that I was taught at a young age, it says "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (Galations 5:22-23) Patience is not a strength of mine. God has been trying for years to give me lessons in patience, and I try for a while to learn, but then get frustrated and impatient. At the beginning of my diagnosis, I thought that this whole cancer thing would be a great opportunity for God to work on helping me to grow and finally change. And yet, here I sit months later with one recurring question: ARE WE THERE YET?!
Please don't misunderstand me... I have learned many things in this process, and my life in many ways has been enriched by it. I think the reality is that the trait of patience will always be "under construction" when it comes to me. And that's okay. Because one of the things I did manage to learn is that God uses us in spite of our weaknesses. He is able to take us as broken people and mold beautiful stories in our lives. I'm just so grateful that He is incredibly patient with me.
There is a countdown happening this week... countdown until Friday, Feb 26th which is the date of my final chemo! It's the finish line and it's within reach. I want to be excited about it... I am absolutely grateful for it. However, if I'm being completely honest with you in this moment, I just feel like a whiney kid on a long road trip. My body is tired from this journey. And I got my booster shot today to help keep my counts up, so currently I'm aching from my teeth down to my toes. I want to be positive and keep things in perspective, it's just hard to write when all I want to say is "I don't feel good."
There is a bible verse that I was taught at a young age, it says "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." (Galations 5:22-23) Patience is not a strength of mine. God has been trying for years to give me lessons in patience, and I try for a while to learn, but then get frustrated and impatient. At the beginning of my diagnosis, I thought that this whole cancer thing would be a great opportunity for God to work on helping me to grow and finally change. And yet, here I sit months later with one recurring question: ARE WE THERE YET?!
Please don't misunderstand me... I have learned many things in this process, and my life in many ways has been enriched by it. I think the reality is that the trait of patience will always be "under construction" when it comes to me. And that's okay. Because one of the things I did manage to learn is that God uses us in spite of our weaknesses. He is able to take us as broken people and mold beautiful stories in our lives. I'm just so grateful that He is incredibly patient with me.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
The Return of Meredith
Before you get started... I know... it's been a couple of months since I've updated my blog and you've been anxiously awaiting to hear how I'm doing. Some of you have even passed messages through my mother to tell me to get back to blogging pronto! I've wanted to write, but haven't had a brain that would let me until now.
What took me so long? Chemo... it's powerful... the best way I can sum it up is to quote what my best friend Alyson has told people when they have asked her, "she looks like Mer, and she talks like Mer, but she's not really."
I haven't felt like myself for several weeks. It's not like in the movies... I haven't been vomiting at all (thanks to the anti-nausea meds)... on my worst days I'm just in a deep fog, with no energy, laying in bed all day. The best analogy I can give you is Houston weather... there are lots of days with sunshine, and those clear weather days represent getting to feel, act, and think like the person you and everyone else knows you to be. Everyone's experience with chemo is very different. For me, it's been like a huge storm front with the potential for hurricanes rolling into my life...many days have been at best overcast and dreary as far as the way my mind and body felt... and there have been days here and there with major storm activity... but also days where things seemed to settle down for a bit.
I wish I could articulate it better. I don't want anyone to get too worried... I'm doing well overall and experiencing the side effects that the doctor prepared me for. And I have continued to fully trust God's plan and provision for me... I know I'm going to be okay.
I started chemo on October 8th. I'm on a very common "dose-dense" chemo regimen. For the months of October and November I received Adriamycin and Cytoxan every 2 weeks. Adriamycin in the world of oncology has earned the nickname "The Red Devil" because it looks like red kool-aid (and makes your urine red), and tends to have some of the most bothersome side effects, including hair loss. I started out strong and healthy, so round one was better than I thought, then round 2 was more intense... then round 3 more intense... then round 4 was a doozy and kept me in bed for over a week. It's intentional that they order the strongest rounds of chemo in the beginning... and luckily 4 rounds was all they had planned for me. Then in December we changed to another type of chemo called Taxol, which I was scheduled to have once a week for 12 cycles. Taxol in general is better tolerated by patients... it's main side effect is fatigue. Any form of chemo can linger in your body for up to 6 months, so at first the "leftovers" piled on top of the Taxol, and I continued to spend lots of time in bed. Also, as the weeks progressed, my blood counts continued to drop, which is part of the goal in treatment, but you don't want them to get too low.
We did have to postpone my chemo the week of Christmas to give my body some extra time to bring the counts up and back in the range where chemo is allowed. Although a delay in treatment is not ideal, it turned out to be a great Christmas gift... I started to feel a glimmer of hope about returning to my pre-chemo self. Going back to the weather analogy, it was like glimpsing a few rays of sunshine and being reminded that the storm will eventually clear. So, the next week we resumed chemo and I'm now back on my normal schedule of chemo every Friday. We also this week started "booster shots", which are injections that help to stimulate the production of white blood cells, and therefore bring my counts up. These injections have made a HUGE difference in my energy level this week and I'm so grateful that they are available and covered by my insurance.
So, now I only have 5 more rounds of chemo to go... my last treatment is on Feb 26th. Tears are coming to my eyes all of the sudden as I see that date in print... it's my finish line and I can finally see it in the distance.
So, that's what I have the energy to say for now. There's so many more stories I need to tell. I had hoped that I could keep my blog in chronological order, but storms make big messes sometimes. Then when the storms start to clear the news is filled with updates on the damage caused, but more importantly the stories of survival, inspiration, and people serving one another start to pour in... those are the are the stories I want to be sure to tell in the days ahead. Please pray that I'll have the energy and mental clarity to do so... and that there will be minimal technological challenges when I attempt to upload photos and videos.
Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. As I fix my eyes on the finish line, I feel 2 things: Jesus by my side and all of you cheering from the sidelines, "Go Mer Mer... Go Mer Mer...Go, Go, Go Mer Mer."
What took me so long? Chemo... it's powerful... the best way I can sum it up is to quote what my best friend Alyson has told people when they have asked her, "she looks like Mer, and she talks like Mer, but she's not really."
I haven't felt like myself for several weeks. It's not like in the movies... I haven't been vomiting at all (thanks to the anti-nausea meds)... on my worst days I'm just in a deep fog, with no energy, laying in bed all day. The best analogy I can give you is Houston weather... there are lots of days with sunshine, and those clear weather days represent getting to feel, act, and think like the person you and everyone else knows you to be. Everyone's experience with chemo is very different. For me, it's been like a huge storm front with the potential for hurricanes rolling into my life...many days have been at best overcast and dreary as far as the way my mind and body felt... and there have been days here and there with major storm activity... but also days where things seemed to settle down for a bit.
I wish I could articulate it better. I don't want anyone to get too worried... I'm doing well overall and experiencing the side effects that the doctor prepared me for. And I have continued to fully trust God's plan and provision for me... I know I'm going to be okay.
I started chemo on October 8th. I'm on a very common "dose-dense" chemo regimen. For the months of October and November I received Adriamycin and Cytoxan every 2 weeks. Adriamycin in the world of oncology has earned the nickname "The Red Devil" because it looks like red kool-aid (and makes your urine red), and tends to have some of the most bothersome side effects, including hair loss. I started out strong and healthy, so round one was better than I thought, then round 2 was more intense... then round 3 more intense... then round 4 was a doozy and kept me in bed for over a week. It's intentional that they order the strongest rounds of chemo in the beginning... and luckily 4 rounds was all they had planned for me. Then in December we changed to another type of chemo called Taxol, which I was scheduled to have once a week for 12 cycles. Taxol in general is better tolerated by patients... it's main side effect is fatigue. Any form of chemo can linger in your body for up to 6 months, so at first the "leftovers" piled on top of the Taxol, and I continued to spend lots of time in bed. Also, as the weeks progressed, my blood counts continued to drop, which is part of the goal in treatment, but you don't want them to get too low.
We did have to postpone my chemo the week of Christmas to give my body some extra time to bring the counts up and back in the range where chemo is allowed. Although a delay in treatment is not ideal, it turned out to be a great Christmas gift... I started to feel a glimmer of hope about returning to my pre-chemo self. Going back to the weather analogy, it was like glimpsing a few rays of sunshine and being reminded that the storm will eventually clear. So, the next week we resumed chemo and I'm now back on my normal schedule of chemo every Friday. We also this week started "booster shots", which are injections that help to stimulate the production of white blood cells, and therefore bring my counts up. These injections have made a HUGE difference in my energy level this week and I'm so grateful that they are available and covered by my insurance.
So, now I only have 5 more rounds of chemo to go... my last treatment is on Feb 26th. Tears are coming to my eyes all of the sudden as I see that date in print... it's my finish line and I can finally see it in the distance.
So, that's what I have the energy to say for now. There's so many more stories I need to tell. I had hoped that I could keep my blog in chronological order, but storms make big messes sometimes. Then when the storms start to clear the news is filled with updates on the damage caused, but more importantly the stories of survival, inspiration, and people serving one another start to pour in... those are the are the stories I want to be sure to tell in the days ahead. Please pray that I'll have the energy and mental clarity to do so... and that there will be minimal technological challenges when I attempt to upload photos and videos.
Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. As I fix my eyes on the finish line, I feel 2 things: Jesus by my side and all of you cheering from the sidelines, "Go Mer Mer... Go Mer Mer...Go, Go, Go Mer Mer."
Monday, November 30, 2009
ABC News Segment
Here it is... the link to watch my interview with Houston ABC News... and for those of you who are curious, the answer to your question is no, I didn't cut my hair short... I'm now bald and sporting a spunky wig :)
I'm still in awe of God's provision in this story. My first consultation with Dr. Timothy Hickman was in July... at that time there had never been a successful pregnancy in Texas from frozen eggs (which is different than frozen embryos). However, just 4 days prior to my appointment Dr. Hickman had started a clinical trial using a new technique on a patient named Ivonne Pena that showed promise... fast forward to current day and as you will see in the news segment she is pregnant with twins! This is the first time this has ever happened in Texas... and I am SO grateful that the technique was available.
I had 17 eggs successfully frozen in September... I'm the first cancer patient in Texas to use this new technique. So, now we wait until I'm finished with all of my treatment which includes 5 years on Tamoxifen... and we watch with great anticipation for Mr. Wonderful to come into my life. :)
Click on the following link for the video which will lead you to the website for ABC 13 in Houston. The video clip will automatically load at the top of your screen titled "Success rate of frozen eggs increasing":
Success rate of frozen eggs increasing
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Saturday, November 14, 2009
Mer Mer on ABC News!!
That's right... set your alarms and DVR's for Monday November 16th at 6pm... I will be on Houston ABC 13 News HealthCheck with Christi Myers... tune in to hear about how faithful God is and how He is the provider of Hope!!
For those of you outside of Houston I will post the link to the video next week.
For those of you outside of Houston I will post the link to the video next week.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Is Mer Mer MIA?
NO... I'm still here... had my second round of chemo on Thursday and I'm recovering well... my mom is in town taking care of me.
There's so much to say... lots of updates... but it will be a few days... maybe longer before my brain has the energy to say it all...
So, know that I'm still resting in God's hands and keep watching the blog for "the rest of the story."
There's so much to say... lots of updates... but it will be a few days... maybe longer before my brain has the energy to say it all...
So, know that I'm still resting in God's hands and keep watching the blog for "the rest of the story."
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Chemo
I started chemo today... Alyson and my brother Nathan were with me then my mom joined us when she arrived in town. Needless to say I wasn't looking forward to it, but it went relatively smoothly. My appetite spiked and I ate a HUGE lunch with great mexican food... I think it was the IV steroid that did it.
We also had a follow up appointment with the fertility specialist... my mom got to see where her grandbaby eggs live... they retrieved a total of 18 eggs on 9/23/09 and we found out today all but one of them was mature enough to be successfully frozen.... no worries, I'm not going to try for my own show about 17 kids and counting. :)
How am I feeling? Mainly I just feel exhausted. Some nausea starting tonight... have plenty of meds to deal with all the side effects.
The prayer pager went off CONSTANTLY today and was such an encouragement.
I'm off to bed now... Mom is the "charge nurse" the next few days. Please pray Alyson gets some rest tomorrow... she's been "the strong one" for weeks on end.
Tomorrow morning I go back to get my "booster shot" to help my immune system, then it's rest and recovery on the agenda for the weekend.
God is Good... even today when my circumstances are not pleasant... He is the same yesterday, today, and forever... and I am secure in His hands.
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