Standing

Hormones.... lots and lots of hormones... Don't misunderstand me... I am so grateful that God put me in front of the only fertility specialist in Texas who is performing the egg freezing technique that has a chance at being successful. The procedure involves giving myself 3 types of injections twice a day that are telling my eggs to grow and pack their bags... 'cause they're going on a big trip soon. Then, when they are the right size, I'll get a "trigger shot" and egg retrieval will happen 35 hours later.

This week has been trying. The change in hormones has been a roller coaster. I've had a couple of nights when the tears turned on like a faucet that had no stop valve. There's a new definition to the word tired that I have not experienced before now. And I'm having what I assume are hot flashes...either that or I have the super hero power of being a space heater and didn't know it.

And I realized something earlier this week...my surgeon took my boobs... this I knew, however, it occurred to me that he's not going to return them.

Then came the appointment with the oncologist on Wednesday morning. The reality of chemo and the next steps of treatment started to set in... I really preferred being in denial. Nevertheless, there I was, sitting in her office talking about toxic drugs. She reviewed 3 main options of treatment courses that are medically sound, however I personally wished to hear about answer D: "none of the above".

The stress caught up with me this week in combination with the hormones, which lead to my blood pressure being elevated enough at the oncologist's office that it made Nurse Meredith concerned. I left there and went to physical therapy for my left arm, then home and straight to bed. I'm watching the blood pressure and it did come down to acceptable numbers after some rest.

I decided to let go of denial and try to read the information from the oncologist that I had been avoiding. So, there I was in my bed having hot flashes and feeling hormonal while reading about chemo potentially putting my ovaries out of business and causing me to go into menopause... and all the joys that menopause brings. So, of course the brain started swirling... ok, let me get this straight, I'm going to be boobless, bald, nauseated, tired, dizzy, with hormones flying, and finally in a long-term relationship but it's going to be with a port and toxic drugs? Really? Menopause? age 35? Can we just rewind for a minute? Is this really my life? And then there's this thing called "chemo brain"... I SOOOO do NOT need anything making me more scatter-brained than I already am!!!!

So, to my Mr. Wonderful, if you're reading this, please believe me when I tell you to be afraid... be very afraid of the mess I am and please wait to make an appearance at a better time.

So much for my blog being "inspirational"... I have been committed from the beginning that this is God's story to write, and I just want to be obedient in telling it. The story includes all kinds of Diva hormonal drama, so I'm telling it like it is, and if you've been paying attention at all, you know it's best not to argue with hormone girl about it. So take that.

Wednesday night I finally got out of bed to come downstairs for my 7pm round of injections. Katie (age 5) had on her own decided to draw a 4 page card for me to make me feel better. And the waterworks started...here's this sweet girl doing a wonderful thing for me... and my face looks like she just ran over my dog... and the play therapist in me got concerned about traumatizing her... so, I did my best to explain to her that "Mer Mer's face may look sad because she doesn't feel good, but I love you very much, and your card has made my heart happy, even though my face doesn't show it."

She continued to be sweet and loving, and I continued to cry. Then I helped get her and her sister Gracie ready for bed. We ended the night with what has become a routine for us. I got out the Baptist Hymnal my parents gave me for Christmas and opened it to what has become one of the girls' favorite new songs, and one that I have in my head constantly throughout this whole cancer business:

Standing on the Promises

Standing on the promises of Christ my King, Thro' eternal ages let His praises ring;

Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing, Standing on the promises of God.

Standing, Standing, Standing on the promises of God my Savior;

Standing, Standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises that cannot fail, When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,

By the living Word of God I shall prevail, Standing on the promises of God

Standing, Standing, Standing on the promises of God my Savior;

Standing, Standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I cannot fall, List'ning every moment to the Spirit's call,

Resting in my Savior as my all in all, Standing on the promises of God.

Standing, Standing, Standing on the promises of God my Savior;

Standing, Standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.

I awaken every morning and the first thought in my head is God, I can't... but you can.

I'm tired, and I'm moody, and I'm overwhelmed by the thought of the future... but by God's grace alone, I'm standing every day.