Thursday, September 17, 2009

Standing

Hormones.... lots and lots of hormones... Don't misunderstand me... I am so grateful that God put me in front of the only fertility specialist in Texas who is performing the egg freezing technique that has a chance at being successful. The procedure involves giving myself 3 types of injections twice a day that are telling my eggs to grow and pack their bags... 'cause they're going on a big trip soon. Then, when they are the right size, I'll get a "trigger shot" and egg retrieval will happen 35 hours later.

This week has been trying. The change in hormones has been a roller coaster. I've had a couple of nights when the tears turned on like a faucet that had no stop valve. There's a new definition to the word tired that I have not experienced before now. And I'm having what I assume are hot flashes...either that or I have the super hero power of being a space heater and didn't know it.

And I realized something earlier this week...my surgeon took my boobs... this I knew, however, it occurred to me that he's not going to return them.

Then came the appointment with the oncologist on Wednesday morning. The reality of chemo and the next steps of treatment started to set in... I really preferred being in denial. Nevertheless, there I was, sitting in her office talking about toxic drugs. She reviewed 3 main options of treatment courses that are medically sound, however I personally wished to hear about answer D: "none of the above".

The stress caught up with me this week in combination with the hormones, which lead to my blood pressure being elevated enough at the oncologist's office that it made Nurse Meredith concerned. I left there and went to physical therapy for my left arm, then home and straight to bed. I'm watching the blood pressure and it did come down to acceptable numbers after some rest.

I decided to let go of denial and try to read the information from the oncologist that I had been avoiding. So, there I was in my bed having hot flashes and feeling hormonal while reading about chemo potentially putting my ovaries out of business and causing me to go into menopause... and all the joys that menopause brings. So, of course the brain started swirling... ok, let me get this straight, I'm going to be boobless, bald, nauseated, tired, dizzy, with hormones flying, and finally in a long-term relationship but it's going to be with a port and toxic drugs? Really? Menopause? age 35? Can we just rewind for a minute? Is this really my life? And then there's this thing called "chemo brain"... I SOOOO do NOT need anything making me more scatter-brained than I already am!!!!

So, to my Mr. Wonderful, if you're reading this, please believe me when I tell you to be afraid... be very afraid of the mess I am and please wait to make an appearance at a better time.

So much for my blog being "inspirational"... I have been committed from the beginning that this is God's story to write, and I just want to be obedient in telling it. The story includes all kinds of Diva hormonal drama, so I'm telling it like it is, and if you've been paying attention at all, you know it's best not to argue with hormone girl about it. So take that.

Wednesday night I finally got out of bed to come downstairs for my 7pm round of injections. Katie (age 5) had on her own decided to draw a 4 page card for me to make me feel better. And the waterworks started...here's this sweet girl doing a wonderful thing for me... and my face looks like she just ran over my dog... and the play therapist in me got concerned about traumatizing her... so, I did my best to explain to her that "Mer Mer's face may look sad because she doesn't feel good, but I love you very much, and your card has made my heart happy, even though my face doesn't show it."

She continued to be sweet and loving, and I continued to cry. Then I helped get her and her sister Gracie ready for bed. We ended the night with what has become a routine for us. I got out the Baptist Hymnal my parents gave me for Christmas and opened it to what has become one of the girls' favorite new songs, and one that I have in my head constantly throughout this whole cancer business:

Standing on the Promises
Standing on the promises of Christ my King, Thro' eternal ages let His praises ring;
Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing, Standing on the promises of God.
Standing, Standing, Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
Standing, Standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises that cannot fail, When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,
By the living Word of God I shall prevail, Standing on the promises of God
Standing, Standing, Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
Standing, Standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I cannot fall, List'ning every moment to the Spirit's call,
Resting in my Savior as my all in all, Standing on the promises of God.
Standing, Standing, Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
Standing, Standing, I'm standing on the promises of God.

I awaken every morning and the first thought in my head is God, I can't... but you can.

I'm tired, and I'm moody, and I'm overwhelmed by the thought of the future... but by God's grace alone, I'm standing every day.

7 comments:

  1. Meredith,

    You make me feel better about the relatively short bout I'm having with Pneumonia. He can. You know this and He will reveal this. Keep that first of the morning thought. Mine is "I'm Yours Lord." You continue to be in my prayers. You may have missed your calling as a writer! You're outstanding at communicating your feelings and experiences. I'm glad you're my friend ... and for now that I'm at a safe distance!

    Tom

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  2. thank you for sharing the details of your life as you travel this path. Your postings both inpire and entertain! thanks also for posting the words of that great hymn. I love praise and worship music, but the old hymns still speak more directly to my heart.

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  3. Mer Mer...I love you!!! I love your honesty....one minute I'm laughing with you..the next minute I'm crying with you...and thanking God that He is with us in our day to day...."halo/ pitchfork" moments....that's what I call my good responses....and invasion of the body snatcher moments....

    I love you and can't wait to see you soon....praying for you!!! And I'm convinced that God is doing something beautiful through this seeming mess....he Always does!! You are a hero to me.....and a true Witness!!! Much love -DD.

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  4. Meredith,

    You make me laugh and cry in one small episode of your life! It amazes me that you can be so open and honest--and still funny! We continue to pray that each day will give you more strength and encouragement. Oh, and you encourage me with your singing an OLD song from The Baptist Hymnal--when I thought all the young people had totally abandoned old hymns and hymnals! :)

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  5. You are one amazing gal! Thank you for your humor in the most serious time of your life. Our hearts hurt for you, but thanks for letting us go through it with you.
    Keep your strength and keep smiling, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
    Love you, Sherry and Ron Y.

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