HOPE

Two months ago was the beginning of this journey... I had a repeat mammogram and knew that there was something the radiologist found that caused enough concern to schedule a biopsy. I have to stop and take a deep breath every time I think of the enormity of the last 2 months... from being diagnosed with cancer, to the break in, to moving, to surgery and beyond. I can HONESTLY say to you all that the ONLY reason I have made it through these past two months is because of the grace and provision of God.

So, let me answer your question, "How are you Meredith... how have you been coping?"

Physical: I'm healing well... the two big incisions on my chest will take a long time to fade, but they are looking the best they can. I have tissue expanders in place on both sides... the one on the right was inflated some immediately in surgery because there was plenty of tissue to cover it (the right side had no cancer at all.... the mastectomy was preventative). The expander on the left is flat because the left side had much more trauma from surgery... more skin had to be removed and 15 lymph nodes total. I have slowly regained the range of motion in my arms... the right arm is pretty much back to normal, the left is going to take a little more time. I originally had 4 drains for the excess fluid (my "tentacles"), which were not fun to deal with and made day-to-day life more complicated, but they were necessary. The last 2 drains were removed on Wednesday, and I was very excited to be a free woman. I still have some swelling in my left armpit, and my chest feels tight because of the stretching of the skin... it will take time and patience. I have a physical therapy appointment in 2 days and have to continue my arm exercises and careful monitoring for signs of lymphedema which is a potential post-op complication of this type of surgery. Overall I've been sleeping well and haven't needed any pain meds besides Tylenol recently.

Test Results: Left boob had lots of cancer and it was all cut out. Left armpit had 15 lymph nodes removed... only one was positive (which is awesome!). Right boob was completely cancer free, but I did NOT want a ticking time bomb strapped to my chest, so it had to go too. It still is very puzzling to me... what got my left boob so angry when the right one was content? The positive lymph node and other areas of cancer were all hormone receptor positive. The HER-2 on the lymph node was negative (that's a good thing.) All of the other blood work, tumor markers, bone scan, ultrasounds, etc were clean.

Cosmetic Appearance: I was never "gifted" in the chest region to begin with... now I'm half expanded on the right and flat on the left, so wearing "normal" clothes becomes a concern. Luckily I found a wonderful woman who helped me with a specialty bra and "stuffing", so I can feel confident in my work clothes.
I still have my thick hair on my head for now... but I'm also preparing and planning for chemo. I have purchased a wig and that looks like me, just a shorter cut, so I'll be ready.

Emotional: In the last 3 weeks since surgery I can only count three "melt downs" total. The first one I already blogged about (the post titled "Storms"), the second was after a phone call with the fertility clinic (more on that in a minute), and the third was this week and was the result of me working really hard to try and get my life and surroundings under control... which of course is an impossible task. The tears have flowed, but also have quickly dried and I am confident that God's plan for my life is GOOD despite setbacks and temporary suffering.

Moving In: I am finally "settled" in Wayne and Alyson's house... several people have worked hard to help get me situated and unpacked so that I can rest, recover, and prepare for the phases ahead.

People: One of the biggest blessings by far has been amazing people in my life. My parents are completely supportive in any way I need them... my mom stayed for over a week after my surgery... my brother graciously handled all the details of my apartment lease and getting my car AC fixed successfully... my relatives came to the hospital for support (with my Sonic drink in hand)... friends and family made delicious meals and drove all the way to The Woodlands and we had great visits... many friends have called, emailed, sent text messages and flowers... and ALL of the staff at my work have rallied and supported me faithfully. The prayer pager continues to go off every day consistently.

Mental: There has been A LOT to process!!! The calendar continues to gather more doctor appointments and other things necessary for my treatment. The "To Do" List is totally overwhelming, but of course I managed to color-code it on Outlook (Many of you are well aware that when I get anxious or stressed, I attempt to figure out a plan and want to label everything.... I mean literally put labels on everything.) Just today we finished setting up my laptop (the one that replaced the laptop that was stolen....renter's insurance is a good thing to have), so I find some comfort in knowing that it can be my "brain" that goes with me to keep me organized. I still am processing treatment one step at a time... I was focused on surgery, now I'm shifting to fertility treatment and starting to see chemo on the horizon.

Financial: God is faithful and has provided in awesome ways through generous people. The insurance company has been good to follow through on their end in a timely manner. I'm still filing reimbursement claims for some things, but expect them to be approved. So far I have had the means to pay for doctor appointments, biopsies, surgery, wigs, etc. One of the biggest out-of-pocket expenses happens this week... fertility treatment, which is not covered by insurance. There's an amazing foundation called "Fertile Hope" that has donated the funds to cover the cost of my meds and hormone injections (which normally runs about $3,000.00) My fertility specialist also gives a significant discount on services to cancer patients, however the cost for the office visits, anesthesia, procedures, and storage fees will total somewhere near $10,000.00 I am going to receive a call from the fertility office today with the exact amount due. I humbly want to say THANK YOU to all of you who have contributed your monetary resources... I can't come up with words to express how comforting it has been in the midst of all the recent chaos to NOT have to also be in a panic about how to pay for it all. My brother Nathan Stedham is still managing any donations for my medical expenses. He can be reached by email at nathan@mirandgroup.com .

Work: I start back to work this week after a little over a 3 week absence. I am extremely blessed to work in a place that values me so much that they are willing to do whatever is necessary to support me and allow me the ability to make my healing a priority. I'm a little bit nervous about how I'll do... but confident that God will provide the strength and stamina I need.

Okay... I've procrastinated as long as I can and covered every other topic I can think of... now comes the part that's hard for me...

Fertility: Certain types of chemo tend to send women into permanent early menopause... and it's very likely that my chemo recipe will include a drug that is not ovarian-friendly. Also my cancer will require me to be on Tamoxifen for 5 years, which is a drug that would be damaging during any pregnancy. And since Mr. Wonderful has not made an appearance that I know of yet, the earliest we're looking at a possible baby bump on me is age 40 or after... the age that fertility issues for "healthy" women becomes significantly more difficult. Now, I realize there are many women who have had beautiful and healthy children after the age of 40...and also many cancer survivors who had no problems becoming pregnant after chemo. Every case is unique... and all of the factors in my particular case, with my particular cancer and treatment regimen add up to discouraging statistical probabilities in the eyes of the experienced scientific community. HOWEVER, GOD IS BIG ENOUGH AND HE IS FAITHFUL. HE ALONE IS THE GIVER OF ALL GOOD THINGS AND THE SOURCE OF HOPE.

Those of you who have been following my blog know that weeks ago I asked you to pray that I get my period against the odds (surgery and stress cause many women to go weeks or months without one)... thank you for your prayers...obviously my period came and we were able to start the process to retrieve and freeze my eggs. There was a limited window of opportunity between surgery and starting chemo... so this was really the only chance to do this. I have an appointment with the fertility specialist Thursday morning, then will start twice daily hormone injections this Friday that will last 10-12 days. The good news is that my eggs will forever be age 35, even when I'm in my 40's! I still am absolutely amazed at how this part of God's story is playing out... There's even more that I need to tell you all about it, but just looked at the clock and must go to bed immediately... I need to get up in a few hours and back to work!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11